The main definition of a dream, as described by Merriam-Webster dictionary is “a series of thoughts, images, or emotions occurring during sleep.” I can definitely agree with that. I have those every night. The word dream is further defined by ” a strongly desired goal or purpose or something that fully satisfies a wish.” The kind of dream I had last night was a combination of these two definitions, and when I woke up this morning I was shaken by it.
At first glance, the dream looked like a couple who was nearing a break-up. One person was leaving the other. The person being left didn’t know if the person leaving would ever come back. They were sad. But here’s the thing I don’t understand; the person who was doing the leaving was me, but I was seeing it from the point of view of the person being left. I could feel the pain and heartbreak of being left behind. For the sake of simplicity, we’ll say that the person who was doing the leaving was me. She (I) was saying things that I want to say – usually to my boyfriend. The main point of the dialogue came down to this.
Person staying: I’m sad to see you go. Will you be back next weekend?
Person going: We’ll see.
Person staying: I’ll be waiting for you.
Person going: (with a half laugh) See, that’s the problem. We’re always waiting. And in the process of waiting there are doors being closed that we’ll never be able to open again.
Person staying: Are you breaking up with me?
Person going: I’m not sure. I’m just not sure.
It’s so deep and so real that I just can’t shake the feeling that it means something. It’s definitely the way I feel about waiting for my relationship to move forward, but it’s also the way I feel about myself sometimes. Am I waiting and letting doors close on myself personally? Was I walking away from a lover or from a part of myself?
One thing I know it showed me was this: it was time to get back to writing. Writing in the waiting. I still believe that this will be a helpful exercise. But it is already time for a redo. Instead of making it mandatory to write every day, I will make it the goal. I will list 365 prompts and write them in order, no matter how many days it takes. I will set my sights on improving myself through writing, exercise and mental health. I will achieve my goals. I will take control of what I can control and let go of what I can’t.