Time to Catch Up

I left in a hurry. Even when I tried to catch up, I found myself foundering. The last 8 years of my life have been a wild ride. Going back to 2014 is hard. A lot of things happened that I’m not proud of. A lot of things happened that weren’t my fault, too.

I was depressed and using alcohol as a drug of self-medication. One night it got bad enough – let me correct myself, there were lots of nights it got bad – but one night in particular saw me calling the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. I didn’t really want to kill myself, I just wanted someone to listen to me. I even said that to the person on the phone, but they sent an officer my way anyway. One squad car ride later I found myself at a local hospital, spending the night in the ER. The thing was though, it helped. Not right away, but it got me on the right path.

I found a therapist who I started talking to on a regular basis. She and I didn’t see eye to eye in the beginning, but she eventually got through to me. While I was seeing her to help me make sense out of things, I was seeing someone else who was making things more complicated. I sought out an old high school boyfriend in an effort to find closure. We had left things badly and I was convinced he hated me. Unfortunately (actually, fortunately in the long run) it turned out he was very much still in love with me. The problem was I was a married woman. While he was going through a divorce, I was simply trying to find a way through the next day without drowning myself in drink.

Things got worse before they got better. My therapist was helping me see a lot of truths that weren’t popular; not with me and not with anyone else. My husband was abusing me. The words he used and the love he withheld were manipulative and hurtful. He was making me fear what he would do if I didn’t behave in the right way. He was controlling the relationship in ways that didn’t make me feel safe. On top of it all, he was also using alcohol to medicate his emotions. We were like fire and gasoline. Instead of facing it though, I ran into the arms of another.

In time, no matter how wrong it was (and I know the way I went about it was wrong) I found more and more reasons to be with my lover. Even my therapist was telling me I was better off with him than my husband. Eventually I found myself pregnant and knew my husband couldn’t be the father. He’d had a vasectomy and no worries about it not working. Finding out I was pregnant was the scariest, most exciting moment of my life. I knew I would have to face some hard changes but they were good changes. Having this baby was the final straw I needed to get me away from the turmoil of my abusive relationship. Having this baby was going to give me the boost I needed to walk away from alcohol. Having this baby was going to save my life.

My husband and I got a divorce. It wasn’t pretty, but it wasn’t messy either. Neither of us wanted much from the other and property wasn’t an issue. Shortly after the divorce was final I found myself engaged to the man I’d always loved. We got married and had a baby. A few years later we had another one. We’re blissfully happy and face life together, the way it was always meant to be.

This is quickest version of my story I’ll probably ever tell. Maybe bits and pieces will come out in my writing. Maybe I’ll gloss over this part of my life because it’s not glamorous or popular. Maybe I just wanted the truth to be out there. It always was, but sometimes I just need to own it.

DAY EIGHTEEN: “It was noon and nothing was concluded.” (after Donald Rawley)

Wow – this one isn’t speaking to any of my stories. Or maybe it’s the 8 year gap in writing that’s doing it to me. That’s right baby – I’m back after one long ass hiatus. A lot has changed in that time. The man who I originally wrote this blog to distract myself from is no longer in my life. Maybe I can write better about this. Maybe nobody cares. Maybe I should have written this down 8 years ago.

When I started this blog, I was waiting for a man to ask me to marry him. That man eventually did ask, and I said yes. I shouldn’t have. I never loved him as fully as I should have for, you see, my heart always belonged to another. Since the time I was 15 and we had our first kiss, my heart belonged to a single man. We broke up. The story is mentioned here in this blog.

Wow – writing is hard. I don’t remember how to do it! Let’s focus on one story at a time. First I’ll explain the marriage that fell apart.

Words strike as hard as fists sometimes. That’s what I learned through months of therapy. I entered therapy thinking I needed help with my depression. I was right. I found a wonderful therapist who took a while to warm up to. I wanted a how-to guide with step by step instructions. She knew I needed someone to talk to. It was through this process that I learned two things. I was married to a narcissistic abusive alcoholic and I was still in love with my high school boyfriend.

DAY SEVENTEEN: Write about a time you found out about something you weren’t supposed to know.

She drifted in a void.  She felt no control over her being.  Would she ever make it back to earth?  Would she ever see him again?

Annalii couldn’t tell how many days passed while her inner consciousness drifted back toward her body.  She wasn’t entirely sure how many days she had even been back.  No one knew she was there.  Her body was still too weak to wake and she spent much of her time asleep.  Even her consciousness seemed to drift away at times.  She didn’t to wake to know what was going on around her.

The team had returned from the rescue mission.  They had successfully found and retrieved Daniel.  He was injured, but he would heal.  Annalii wished she could make the healing happen more quickly, but two things were holding her back.  First, there was the physically barrier of her body not being awake.  More importantly, there was the knowledge she had seen during their last few moments together in the enemy ship.

At the first sound of enemy fire, the captors were off to see what was happening.  This allowed Daniel, and even more so Annalii, a respite from the torture and beatings that were continual companions.  

By now, Daniel was aware of exactly what Annalii had been able to do for him.  When his body no longer felt the pain of the blows he was experiencing, he knew it was because of the healing power of Annalii’s presence.  When the captors were gone, he mentally reached out to her in what would have been a caress if their bodies had been in the same space.  

You can’t take any more of this, Daniel spoke to her with his mind.   

I will not need to.  Your friends are here to rescue you.

What will happen to you?

I believe I will return, in time, to my body.  Perhaps with you there to guide me, I will find my way.

He looked at her then with so many emotions dancing in his blue eyes.  Even without her powers of telepathic communication, Annalii would have known the look of fear, worry and yes – love, that was showing in them.  

If I don’t make it back Daniel, there is something I would really like to share with you now while we have the time.  I don’t know if it’s possible, but I have to try.

With that, Annalii found herself kissing Daniel’s lips in the only way she could.  She knew he would feel so much better if her lips were indeed united with his, but this would have to do.  She deepened her kiss and urged him on to more.  Perhaps they would never know the pleasure of physically making love to one another, but their minds would unite as one before they left this ship.  

As the visions and the sensations heightened, Annalii found herself unable to hold back.  She unwittingly let her powerful mind travel to places Daniel had never shared with her.  Places in his heart and mind where he stored his deepest feelings and closest held secrets.  By the time she realized what she was doing, she couldn’t turn back.  She had to know:  could he love me as deeply and completely as I need him to?

And then she saw it.  The place in his heart where there should be an ocean of love was a dried up waste land.  There was pain there.  It was a place of death and betrayal.  His first and true love was taken from him, killed in spite of all he had done to save her.  

Before she could search for more, Teal’c was in the room with others from Earth in SGC uniforms.  One of them quickly helped Daniel to his feet and the spell was as broken as Annalii’s spirit.  She no longer cared if she made it back to Earth and her body.  She and Daniel could never have the type of union she had always hoped.  

Annalii looked at her healing body.  She had watched her father come and go, working to heal her with his love.  She had seen the doctors of the SGC tend to her wounds.  Now she waited for the one she knew would be able to help her.  When Sam walked in the door, Annalii knew it was time to wake up.